Scraps of Grace

To start- I have known for a while that this was something I needed to write about, even though I feel wildly unqualified to do it well. This is not advice. It is not a guide. It is simply me learning in real time and inviting you to walk beside me while I do.

Lately, I’ve started realizing I have a lot of knowledge of spiritual warfare, but such a lack in my prayer life. I’ve been walking through some seasons that require a lot of prayer, but I find it so hard to do. Why?

The answer to this is super simple. As humans, we have a really hard time letting go. And isn’t that the point of prayer? To release what we are gripping so tightly and come into connection with the one who can actually do something about it?

But we fight so hard not to because as hard as this situation is, we want to remain in control when we should be doing the opposite.

Letting go feels to us like losing control. When we hold onto something, replay it, analyze it, or sit in the weight of it it feels like we are doing something about it, when we’re really being destructive. We believe if we let it go, we aren’t taking it seriously and we don’t care about what happened.

Prayer however, asks us to do something very differently. It asks us not to punish ourselves. To release the illusion that we have any control over our pasts and what has already been done- or our future and what is to come.

Maybe surrender and prayer are not about excusing at all, and rather trusting that justice and mercy are not ours to manufacture. Or the weight of tomorrow is too heavy to carry. We can’t redeem ourselves, yet we strive so hard to do so.

So here I am learning.

Learning clenching my fists is not the same as having faith.

Learning that staying in control is not the same as being responsible.

Learning that sometimes the most obedient thing I can do is whisper, “I do not know how to let this go, but I am willing to try.”

And if you feel this way you are not alone.

Scripture:

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.”

Worship song:

Battle Belongs- Phil Wickham